Okay, I'll go first. Dear Dead Elvis: Did you know there are a bunch of feeble, infantile boomers who actually came up with the idea of asking you questions over 40 years after they found your bloated carcass on the floor of the crapper?
"Don't get me wrong, I'm one of them there millionaires, bucko, and I could buy anything I wanted..." - S.H. 10/22/16
When you raped your soon-to-be ex-wife in 1972, after which you told her ‘This is how a real man makes love to his woman’, did you consider letting your buddies from the Memphis Mafia have a shot at her as well?
Look, Pal, they work great. They are for rich people though. If you've never heard them you can't have an opinion on the way they sound so yap up. -SH
You're not worshiping me per se, but what I STAND FOR: The best sounding music out there! -SH
Dorothy Haagen … Laraine Newman Voice of Elvis … Andy Kaufman
[Jaunty organ music as a 1970s-era photo of a jumpsuited Elvis Presley singing passionately into a microphone fills the screen.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, “Ask Elvis” with psychic Dorothy Haagen.
[SUPER: Ask Elvis. Music out as we dissolve to a smiling big-haired blonde woman who sits in an easy chair, with eyes closed and hands raised together in prayer.]
Dorothy Haagen: [an odd Irish-Southern accent, as if in a trance] Spirits speak to those who listen! Spirits listen to those who speak! [in a more normal tone, to the camera] Hello, I’m psychic Dorothy Haagen. Today, we’ll [reverently] ask … Elvis an unusual kind of marriage per-oblem. And all because viewer Janette Blalock from Silver Springs, Texas wrote: “Dear Dorothy, I am engaged to be married to a truck-a driverrrr. I want to have a traditional wedding but he says there’s a chapel outside a truck plaza in Atlanta and he’d like to have it there. Would you please … [rolls eyes skyward, in a hushed tone] ask … Elvis … who he thinks is right?” Well, sweet spirit, a short time ago I estab-a-lished contact with … Elvis and read him your letter and here is what he said.
[As “Love Me Tender” plays, we dissolve to a small,white, slowly-rotating bust of Elvis Presley set in a black background. The throaty Southern drawl of the late Elvis Presley is heard:]
Voice of Elvis: Dear Janette: A man can be kind of funny sometimes – wh-when he embarks on somethin’ as new and as frightenin’ as marriage. Maybe a feller needs to be surrounded by familiar places and faces. Hey, why not let – let that truck driver man o’ yours have his way on this? And then watch out, honey, because them gear jammers can really put your hammer down. But, seriously, Janette. If the tension of the wedding preparations gets to be too much for you, why don’t you just ask your doctor to prescribe some tranquilizers, sleepin’ aids and diet pills? And tell him the King sent ya. Truly yours, Elvis.
[Image goes out of focus and we dissolve back to Dorothy Haagen, smiling into the camera.]
Dorothy Haagen: Well, dear soul, I hope you remember to send Elvis an invitation to the wedding. In any case, for including your birth date and time, here’s a bonus message from the spirit worrr-uld: Accept the new job offer and further yourself socially – and that’s for either you or your new hus-a-band. If you have a problem you think … Elvis could answer, why not write me,psychic Dorothy Haagen, care of your local station [SUPER: Psychic DOROTHY HAAGEN Care of your local station] and I’ll ask … Elvis. Until next time, sweet spirits, remember: He who is ruled by the stars is a fool. He who lets the stars rule him is indeed wise. Good-bye.
[Jaunty organ music as we pull back and dissolve away to the photo of Elvis in concert with the words “Ask Elvis” superimposed.]