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Post by screendump on Mar 27, 2018 4:43:47 GMT
A gigantic Hawaiian shirt floated in with tinny off-key Tito Puente echoing from its empty collar.
The shirt drifted down and shrank around STeVE like a straight-jacket. He whimpered, unable to move.
Before the visitors could start shaking and crying, Ray Charles and JFK high-kicked in from stage right, elbows hooked like Rockettes and singing I'm Busted. Not missing a beat, JFK reached into his gaping parietal flap, rummaged through the crushed ice filling his skull and tossed out several gore-smeared cans of minty original throwback Pepsi to the eager audience.
The large crowd laughed with giddy joy and hooked arms to join Ray and JFK and they all danced off stage left, except for Jeatlewhatzis, who crawled behind trying to collect fallen ice and stuff it in his mouth before it melted.
Warren, LeeAss and Scott Wheeler carried in a cardboard coffin cobbled up from old turntable boxes. "SHIPPED" was scrawled on its side in smeary green felt marker. They removed a deluxe meat tray from the coffin, set it on the lid and left…
Finally, STeVE sat alone under a single bright spotlight.
A pair of spider monkeys wearing bandoliers equipped with pickle forks, Polysporin and Bic lighters scampered in and jumped onto his shoulders and began to style his hair.
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Post by Wanklein on Mar 27, 2018 6:55:43 GMT
In England Bobby Marrow was rubbing his feeble flaccid cock whilst flicking through his collection of 1970’s Look-In magazines that featured Olivia Newton John. In the background was spinning “Singing a Song” by Brotherhood of Man.
His mind was plagued with many difficult thoughts:
“I love Olivia but I also love MYKE”
“Should I have spaghetti hoops or Crispy Pancakes for tea?”
“How can I get the money to travel to the US and meet STeVe”
“Am I the best poater on the forum?”
“Which tank top should I wear to the day centre?”
Overloaded by this maelstrom of brain activity he clutched his special edition “Olivia” cabbage patch doll and hugged her tight whilst saying to himself repeatedly “Bobby you will go to the USA, YOU will go to the USA and you will meet MYKE and STeVe, you will meet MYKE and STeVe”.
Bobby put the oven on for his Crispy Pancakes and reached for his junior atlas from the shelf.
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Post by Urethra Franklin on Mar 27, 2018 10:05:43 GMT
In England Bobby Marrow was rubbing his feeble flaccid cock whilst flicking through his collection of 1970’s Look-In magazines that featured Olivia Newton John. In the background was spinning “Singing a Song” by Brotherhood of Man. His mind was plagued with many difficult thoughts: “I love Olivia but I also love MYKE” “Should I have spaghetti hoops or Crispy Pancakes for tea?” “How can I get the money to travel to the US and meet STeVe” “Am I the best poater on the forum?” “Which tank top should I wear to the day centre?” Overloaded by this maelstrom of brain activity he clutched his special edition “Olivia” cabbage patch doll and hugged her tight whilst saying to himself repeatedly “Bobby you will go to the USA, YOU will go to the USA and you will meet MYKE and STeVe, you will meet MYKE and STeVe”. Bobby put the oven on for his Crispy Pancakes and reached for his junior atlas from the shelf.
Olivia in Look In? You needed to be of the calabre of Shakin' Stevens or Steve Austin to appear in that magazine.
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Post by Wanklein on Mar 27, 2018 10:16:43 GMT
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Post by Urethra Franklin on Mar 27, 2018 12:13:07 GMT
I stand corrected. And what a fine looking woman she is too.
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Post by audiopro on Mar 27, 2018 12:28:12 GMT
Bobby sat down and felt uneasy. Something wasn't right. He couldn't quite work out what it was. It was unsettling.
Bobby took a large swig from a bottle of full sugar Coke with extra sugar. What was wrong? What could it be?
Then the smell of reheated oven clag hit his nostrils, and Bobby realised what was wrong.
He switched the oven off, and put the gas on under a frying pan which contained half-an-inch of rancid lard.
"Crispy pancakes, just the way Mum used to make them."
Bobby was in his happy place.
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Post by Wanklein on Mar 30, 2018 12:41:22 GMT
Bobby was tired after cooking and eating the crispy pancakes and so lay down for a little nap.
Very soon Bobby was fast sleep and encountered many strange and wonderful dreams.
In one Dudley Moore was playing Bobby Throbbing Gristle records whilst he went on about how people should use escalators the correct way and how litter is the number one problem for Canada right now. Bobby did not like this but luckily the dream moved on and Bobby found himself on a sofa next to Vidiot and DeVoe watching trailers for old films on Vidiot's superior betamax video recorder. Bobby liked Vidiot and Devoe more than Dudley and listened carefully whilst Vidiot explained at length how Eastwood's stunt double was actually called Yeastwood and how he would often pop into the video editing room to chat with Vidiot after a particularly dangerous and death defying stunt. Vidiot told Devoe and Bobby how he was nearly chosen to be The Fall Guy but he had a cold when it came to the audition and was pipped to the post by Majors.
Devoe then told Vidiot and Bobby all about School of Rock and how Vickie likes it up the wrong end.
Bobby then dreamt he was looking into a large fish bowl and all the fish had the heads of SHiTes. STeVe was swimming around as was Dr Groove and a big Barry White fish. Vidiot was also a fish and KeithH was a giant prawn.
Bobby woke up with a big smile on his face more determined than ever to get to America and meet his forum idols.
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banana
Olivia Newton-John
Posts: 304
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Post by banana on Apr 2, 2018 1:46:54 GMT
Then he remembered he never actually leaves the house. Ever ! Worried that five minutes had passed without him receiving any "likes", he rushed to his computer, bumped several Olivia/Abba/Carpenters threads, and settled back into his daily 16 hour routine of flicking backwards and forwards from SHTV to Pop Justice, making sure to post the same inane drivel in each.
Realising that interest in his latest Abba thread was waning, he panicked. "Shit. What am I going to do ? The sun's out. It's a lovely day....I know - I'll start another tedious chart poll from 1981". He began scanning his old Smash Hits and Look In collection so he'd have plenty of material with which to keep bumping the thread for the next month or so.
He sat back and waited for the first "likes" to appear. "Where are Bob60 and Jarleboy?" he wondered. "I know they're big fans of Bucks Fizz and Sheena Easton".
His neighbour called over the fence. "Hey Bobby, we're meeting up with some friends for a picnic on the beach. Do you want to come along?" "Er no thanks, got things to do today" he replied. "I'm waiting for a package from Amazon with the latest Kylie Minogue box set, five Billy Joel albums I already own, and an SACD of Emma Bunton's latest."
Ding. Up popped an alert telling him someone had "liked" one of his comments on Pop Justice. Indeed, some other unemployed loner had agreed with his post that the Nolan Sisters were never the same after Colleen left. Leaving another vacuous comment about how he never really liked Bernie Nolan's hairstyle, Bobby headed straight back to SHTV.
"Ooh great, someone's started a thread about the Bay City Rollers. If I keep bumping that it'll keep me busy for the rest of the week," he thought. "Time to bump my chart poll too."
To be continued.......every single day of his life.
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Post by thisonehurts on Apr 2, 2018 10:41:55 GMT
Just then, alexpop died.
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Post by Wanklein on Apr 2, 2018 11:00:37 GMT
MAYBEIMAMAZED poated an RIP thread whilst gently shedding a tear.
MYKE poated "Fake News"
Strat-mangler said "How old was he - was he a smoker?"
Dave the Esoteric Anus Research Specialist™ poated "noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
STeVe poated "did he go POP!" and got six likes.
Bobby Marrow said "was he murdered?"
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Post by audiopro on Apr 2, 2018 11:13:11 GMT
It was like the infinite sadness of Chappie Day. A day to be remembered for all eternity. Shaking and crying, Barry Diament walked into a deserted cornfield with two Shakti stones, a boombox and a child's rubber ring. He inflated the rubber ring, placed the boombox (loaded with special audiophile batteries not available in the stores) onto it, and inserted the stones into his anus.
Barry pressed play and sang along.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" wailed the boombox, resolving all the way up to 90KHz despite having the channels reversed and wired out-of-phase. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" wailed Barry, because he'd got two Shakti stones up his ass.
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Post by screendump on Apr 2, 2018 15:48:43 GMT
The air crackled, a hole suddenly opened in the air and Brian Gupton stepped onto the cornfield.
"Whew!… That old brujo wasn't shitting me about those Mayan crystals for my pre-amp!"
Barry cringed. Brian was enveloped in a sizzling Jack Kirby electrical halo. The rubber ring hissed flat and the boombox shrieked and began to melt. In Barry's ass the Shakti stones became hot and pulsed with powerful cosmic waves. The surrounding dead cornstalks smouldered and burst into flame. Dried unharvested corn began to pop.
Brian held out a glowing hand. "Come with me if you want to live."
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Post by Urethra Franklin on Apr 2, 2018 18:28:19 GMT
It was at that precise time back in Kevin's Acous-Teech Mastering, Hoofy with his mind deflected hazily towards Barry's plight, decides to enter excessive modesty mode. Nothing is more stupid and ineffective than excessive modesty mode. It is a mode in which you show that you’re modest by arguing with someone who is trying to compliment you. Essentially, you are going out of your way to try to convince someone that you’re a jerk. What have you got for me today Kev buddy? The floor looks a little dirty, can I buff it? No we're ok today Steven, we'll give you a call when something comes up, does Blonstein have anything for you? As the Vidocin kicks in it doesn't matter anymore as Hoofy plods wearily to the car park. Tomorrow is just another day.
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banana
Olivia Newton-John
Posts: 304
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Post by banana on Apr 2, 2018 19:39:57 GMT
Meanwhile, convicted video bootlegger Oatsdad was just returning home from his 127th Lady Gaga concert.
"Bloody stupid fans standing up and dancing and whooping", he muttered. "It was just as bad as the 23 shows I attended on the last Spice Girls re-union tour. I'm off to see Katy Perry for the 46th time tomorrow - Knowing my luck I'll be surrounded by excitable teenage girls having a good time again. Why can't they just remain silent and appreciate the brilliant lyrics, elaborate dance routines and costume changes. And why am I always the only creepy looking mid-fifties guy in the whole stadium. I just don't get it".
He began spoon feeding his 19 year old blind and deaf Yorkshire Terrier, now at the stage where it was unable to stand or feed itself. "Daddy will never let you die like poor old Oats", he assured the whimpering dog. Suddenly there was a loud banging on the front door. "Shit, it's the cops or the RSPCA again", he spluttered.
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Post by graucho on Apr 2, 2018 21:30:31 GMT
Alex Pop's funeral was to be held in Warren Jarrett's audio home here:
and the Gorts went about making preparations. But there were major problems. All these shites with their silly avatar names, how will they look on the Order of Service? Plus, what will they actually look like in person? Would any of them be able to leave their collections unattended for a couple of days without getting paranoid that thieves might break in and nick them? And what kind of arguments about which pressing of David Bowie's Heroes they should use for the final number? Jerry Gort emailed Bobby Marrow, "Hi Bobby, I know you're in the UK and more of a 70s Pop (without the raunch) fan than a swinging 60s rock vibe, but here's a chance to come to the US of A and help us get this funeral happening. You might even get to meet Vidiot! " Bobby felt thrilled and honoured, yet shit scared. That would no ONJ or Abba threads for at least three days, yet he'd hadn't felt so aroused since the first time he saw David Essex on the telly.
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